Healthy Boundaries Inc.

Here is the video link for the Speaker Listener Technique:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JmGR8XHbJY

Here is the Expectations Exercise

I expect….

Write down what you expect whether or not you think the expectation is realistic.

What down what you really think, not what sounds like it should be the correct answer.

Think about what you saw and learned in your family growing up. Is this where most of your expectations originated.

1.How do you think a relationship should work? As a couple do you want to be more like a team with two players working closely together, or more like individuals with very different roles? What do you think about being an “us” or a “we”?

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2.What does being faithful to each other mean? Emotionally? Sexually? Financially? What other ways do you show your faithfulness?

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3.Do you expect to love each other always? How might your love change over time?

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4.How about your sexual relationship? Frequency? Practices? Taboos? What do you expect as far as being able to talk about your sexual relationship with your partner?

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5.What is romantic for you? What kinds of big expressions of romance are meaningful to you? What about small or little ways to be romantic?

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6.What are your expectations about children? What about your role as a parent? What do you expect from your partner as a parent? What if one or both of you has children from previous relationships that are still part of your lives?

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7.What does work mean to your relationship? Who will work in the future? Whose career/job is more important? If there are or will be children, will either partner reduce work time out of the home to take care of the children?

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8.The degree of emotional dependency on the other? Do you want to be taken care of and how? How much do you expect to be able to rely on each other to get through the tough times?

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9.Communications about problems in a relationship? Do you want to talk these out, and if so, how?

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10.Who do you expect will have power and control? Does it change with different decisions? Who should control the money? Discipline the kids? What happens when you disagree in a key area? Who has the power now, and how do you feel about that?

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11.What about household tasks? Who do you expect to do what? Is a clean and orderly home a big deal for you? Who does the housework? Who has what role around the house when it comes to chores and maintenance?

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12.How important are religious beliefs and observances? How, what, when, where? What role do religious beliefs play in your relationship?

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13.How much time should a couple spend together? Doing what kinds of things? How much time do you want to spend together versus with friends, at work, with family, etc.?

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14.Should you share your feelings with your partner? All of them? Even about things that make you feel weak? Is it ok to depend on one another emotionally, or does that feel dangerous to you?

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15.Do you expect to have a friendship with your partner? What is a friend? What would it mean to maintain or have a friendship with your partner?

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16.With alcohol and drugs, what is okay? How much alcohol is too much? Will it be in the home? If your partner drinks, is it ok if he gets drunk?

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17.What about the little things in life, like where you squeeze the toothpaste tube? Is the toilet seat left up or down? How the towels are folded? Who sends greeting cards, if either? Really think about the little things that either irritate you or that are going really well. What do you want or expect in each area?

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18.How important is forgiveness in your relationship? How should forgiveness affect your relationship?

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19.Whose job do you think it is to provide the family income? Is it more one or the other, or is it shared? How does that affect the relationship?

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20.List all the other expectations for how you want things to be that are important, that you are aware of, that are not listed above already.

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Now go back to the questions and rate, on a scale of 1 to 10, how reasonable you think your expectations are.

10 – “Completely reasonable. I really think it is okay to expect this in this type of relationship”.

1 – “Completely unreasonable. I can honestly say that while I expect or want this, it just is not a reasonable expectation in this type of relationship”.